did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
