Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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