quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
