If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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