Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
