new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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