it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
