My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
