This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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