I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
