My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
