Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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