the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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