I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
