Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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