i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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