be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
