I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
