I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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