I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
