she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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