Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
