Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I want to make a zoo with you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
