I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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