A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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