I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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