There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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