i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
