I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
