do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
