i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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