cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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