Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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