Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
