I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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