I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
