you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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