Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
