It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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