My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
