Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
