He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
