Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
