cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
