Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
