I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
