If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
