i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
