i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We got so high we made milksteak
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize