he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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