Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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