just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I forgot wine drunk hurts
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
