if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
