It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
