we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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