jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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