I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The beer is more important than you right now.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
