This is not my ceiling
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
